stop taking yourself so fucking seriously!
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There are, as you may guess, a great many things about the human race that I find rather bothersome … but few so genuinely irritating as when people with whom I'd otherwise agree take themselves so fucking seriously they make complete cunts of themselves, and their personal ridiculousness then contaminates the ideas I support. These bastards pop up in pretty much every social arena you can imagine … from political activism, where they dutifully undermine the entire American left wing with their absurd earnestness, to sexual liberalism, where they somehow manage to make even the most exciting sex acts sound utterly unbearable.
YES! I am talking to YOU Mr. and Ms. Organic Foodie! YOU there, who, like me, thoroughly believe in the goodness of organic produce and locally grown foodstuffs, yet who would dismiss me out of hand as a sad foodie poser just because of my admitted weaknesses for processed cheese slices, Cup Noodles and the occasional trip to Taco Bell. You need to be sat down with a bag of Fritos and a tub of Velveeta-salsa dip, and made to eat it until you fucking learn to like it.
I am also talking to YOU, Mr. Martial Arts Enthusiast! You who respond to Chuck Norris jokes with your deadpan ten minute monologue about the history of martial arts in American media, instead of just fucking laughing like a normal human being. For fuck's sake, go smoke some weed and watch a Jackie Chan movie, you twat.
YOU, Sir and Madame Liberal Activist … you … I reserve a special place in my own circles of agnostic hell for you. You, who handily scare away the centrist swing-voters our side so DESPERATELY needs with your joyless painfully serious approach to life. Scads of perfectly sensible people who would otherwise agree with all the MAJOR points of the left wing platform go the other way at the polls because you insist on preaching about banning private firearms ownership and other patently untenable absolutist ideas. You bastards. I don't even know what remedy to prescribe you, short of brain damage.
And then there are the joyless sexual liberals. What the FUCK is your problem?! We're talking about SEX here … it's supposed to be fun, in whatever way each person makes their own fun. You go right ahead and insist on only ever referring to sex acts and body parts with medically and spiritually correct terminology. However, if I want to make anal sex jokes and use filthy slang, I fucking well will, thank you, and I fail to see how I'm ruining your good time by doing so. If there isn't room for a bit of irreverence and fun when it comes to something as potentially ridiculous as sex, well fuck me, life isn't worth living any more.
As a matter of fact, the only major cause I support that I think could use a bit more seriousness and respectability is marijuana legalization … if any cause suffers from the terminally un-serious image of its stereotypical supporters, that would be it. If any of you painfully earnest cunts would like to put on some three-piece suits and go earnestly lobby in favor of liberalizing drug laws, by all means please do! Otherwise, lighten the fuck up, and stop taking yourself so seriously!
It was my understanding that the whole point of social liberalism is to live and let live. Perhaps nobody at your weekly meetings explained this, but that includes you putting up with everyone else just as much as it means everyone else letting you do what you want. Quit being such fucking wet-blanket whining cunts, and let the rest of us have our little bits of fun.
I promise when we're done at the kebab shop, we'll pop right 'round to that new organic grocery and spend the GNP of a small third world nation on gourmet artisanal olive oils. We also really do recognize Bruce Lee as the martial arts pioneer he was, and we respect the spiritual underpinnings of Tantric sexual practice. We promise. They're just not as funny as Jackie Chan or inflatable fuck dolls.
So on the mark, you really should think about running for office. I think you covered just about everything. Of course saving the whales does not apply but then again. You can only save them for so long until they begin to smell.
28th October 2007 at 9:42 pm | permalink |Great post.
Aww, thanks. I know they elect porn stars to parliament in Italy, but I don't think they've yet crossed the "former stripper" barrier in American politics … so I guess I'll have to leave D.C. to their own defenses for now. ;-)
29th October 2007 at 1:49 am | permalink |[...] read more | digg story [...]
24th November 2007 at 2:01 pm | trackback from Stop Taking Yourself so !#$@ Seriously!